Nothing To Be Proud Of

Dear friends,

Thanks for your comment and encouragement on my blog. To keep you all updated, I've been encouraged by senior pastor and my youth pastor to take up this Living Sacrifice program, a one year course where I'll serve the church in whatever ministry that needs people, yet not considered as an employment thus they don't give salary but reasonable amount of allowance. I've gotten the form and yet to sign up for it. I’ve also been interviewed by Pastor Peter who is in charge of this Living Sacrifice program. What I'm concerned now is regarding the financial part, and whether this is really God's will for me to take up this program. I haven't had any prompting of the inner witness regarding this issue. Please keep me in prayer yes? As for my relationship with the Lord, it has been ups and downs, trying to love Him yet having doubts about His plan for me, difficulty trusting Him to fulfill whatever desires which is in my heart. I've grown rather fearful of giving too much to Him that it'll cost me so much, and thus living the kind of life which deprives me from the things I desire....I know this isn't Christ-like, and it's rather self-centered than God-centered. I don't feel that I'm that Lawrence whom you used to know...I know there’s no such thing of out-giving God, for all things are His in the beginning, and when I read the notes from the bible in the book of Hosea, I told God that I couldn’t accept the fact where I have to suffer the loss, in order to benefit others yet not myself. Now my relationship with God is like a barter trade, I serve Him in order to get what I want from Him. Yet I know this isn’t what pleases Him. God would rather want our hearts than our service, and to serve Him out of gratitude, out of love for Him. That aside, I do have the desire to serve Him, and it has been there for quite sometime, not for the wrong reasons, but now due to the fear of what this will cost me, I continuously remind God to not deprive me my hearts desires as I serve Him for the rest of my life. I made a vow years ago to serve Him regardless of whether He will give me what I desire, now, things have changed. I will serve Him still, because of my vow, yet I will not give up praying daily regarding my hearts desire until I hear from Him, or until I get what I desire from Him. I’ve been persistent in praying for this…now….this is who I am now….There’s nothing to be proud of me, really…

In Him,
~Lawrence~