Journal, Plain & Simple

Hmm…no, this is not a testimony but rather a journal about what’s occurring in my life right now. Please don’t continue to read unless you truly want to be affected by my negative emotions – be warned.

I know most of my post that are written by me reveals that I’m a person with a pessimist mindset. Lately (actually it has been a few months) that I’ve been feeling rather “down” in my life, emotionally, spiritually, etc… Feeling rather drained out right now. Trusting God isn’t easy, lest living for Him. Not that I will give up my salvation, it’s just that in my opinion, we may not have all we desire in this life on earth as Christians, and we may not experience all of God’s blessings on earth but in heaven thus storing up treasures in heaven. The requirement of having contentment in this thought is to have the eternal perspective, and not the short-sighted earthly perspective that life here on earth is all that it is. Though I do know intellectually that what’s in Heaven is better, yet I just don’t feel contended or fulfilled unless I have all my earthly desires fulfilled. That’s just me, I want to have all my earthly hearts’ desires fulfilled here on earth before I leave earth because I can’t enjoy some of these desires in heaven…funny but true…but shall not elaborate further. Will He grant me all my hearts desires, and hopefully not less than what I desire? Bible says God is capable of doing more than what we dare to ask of Him. I agree that God is capable, but the question is that will He, or is He willing to grant me what I ask for? I’m sorry to say that I don’t have that much faith in believing that all my hearts desires will come true. The fact is that life here on earth isn’t a bed of roses, and this stays true to all people, including Christians. I think that even I as a Christian, not all prayers for will come true, but only some…for all prayers are subjected to His will. That’s why I don’t dare to hope too much, fearing that the more hope I put in, the more vulnerable I will be to experience disappointment. I’ve been disappointed enough due to expecting too much…I do know of people who are carefree in their perspective in life. Whether they have what they want, whether their desires are fulfilled or not, they’re fine either way. All they do is to just “cruise” through life. Maybe they’re happier people, and on the other hand, yet on the other hand I consider them people who are shallow in life…due to their lack of purpose in life. I expect much in life, to be honest. I am focused, making sure that everything I do will bring desired consequences, if not I rather not spend my effort doing it. I confess my motives is partially self-centered. Serving God is a desire I have in my heart, a pure desire… in doing what He asks me to do, yet on the other hand, I also hope He’ll meet my ends. It’s just me, as I don’t like being betrayed or cheated, nor to out-give…It’s my nature…I may be testing God, not for fund. Even in giving Him and serving Him, putting in money and effort, there are always doubts and fear within me of whether He will be faithful in providing my needs as I serve Him. Not that I serve Him for money or anything. It’s out of my desire to do so, God given I think. But the doubts that He may not grant me what I hope for is evident. Thus the anxiety and all…I still hope that God will bring ALL my hearts desires to fulfillment before I leave earth…I just want this as blessings from Him. I do not like being deprived of my hearts desires; neither I want those desires to change or to be taken away but fulfilled completely. Rather demanding Sorry to God regarding this issue. It’s just not Christ-like I know. It’s strange that I’m still clinging upon Him in life as my responses above aren’t “CHRISTian” at all. Yet there is a desire to want to please Him…I am rather confused about myself….It’s not that I want to upset Him for being selfish…I can’t help feeling this way…I don’t want to be deprived of what I long for. I am upset that being a Christian has to be so tough…

What is my purpose to be a Christian? To be saved? God revealed Himself to me, and I believed. That’s how I came to know of Him intellectually. Giving my life over to Him? I did that, because I felt His love and that He has revealed to me the true meaning of Salvation, living a life which is not my own but of Christ, which He lived in a way that is perfectly pleasing to God, thus us who accepted this gift have become pleasing and acceptable to Him and are redeemed – all because of what Christ did, not our effort. Is He now my Lord and not just my Savior? Did I turn all my life over to His control? Hmm…in words of prayer I did so, but what about my heart…If I truly am surrendered to Him, I would have been willing to give up anything I desire just for His sake, but sadly I’m not. I am not completely willing. I still want my desires fulfilled in full. I don’t want to be deprived. I’m afraid that giving out my all will cost me so much that my desires will not be fulfilled. It’s self-centered…I’m only taking one step at a time…I’m afraid of going all out now…I’m not that sacrificial. Sorry for the disappointment…don’t take me a role-model...But if you want a role model for a worldly guy…I’m not the best choice either…I’m stuck in between…

Another issue is that I’m still waiting for an answer regarding the Living Sacrifice program of my church. Regarding what this program is about, in short…it’s a one year commitment to serve the church, as an unofficial “worker”…a course designed for those who think that God may place in their heart a desire to serve Him fulltime…feeling called for ministry etc…I’m just feeling anxious about this, and also regarding or things in life. Anyway, I will be meeting Pastor Peter on Tuesday regarding this program. Please keep me in prayer yes?

Anyway, enough babbling, sorry if I make anyone of you feeling distress or anything. This isn’t meant to entertain anyone, it’s a journal and I need to vent somehow. At least now I’m “blogging”. Isn’t this is what blog is created for?